Letter to a Friend Whose Father Has Died

For Sharon B

Dear John: Does the feeling that you've been hit by a truck ever go away? -- Sharon

Sharon,

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. I know you are very close to your family, which is a blessing and a curse; it's a blessing because in trying times you can lean on each other for support, but it's a curse because the pain of losing a family member is all the more powerful.

That "hit by a truck" feeling never goes away, but like my friend Bill said, it diminishes with time. Closure can come quickly or slowly, but one thing to do is to forgive your father for dying. It helps you to let go and make peace. Death is the ultimate abandonment, and the child inside us is scared, angered, or bitter about being left alone.

We have to play mental tricks to realize that we've not been abandoned; instead, our dads are with us in a different way now--no longer in the flesh, but in our hearts, and souls; in the eyes of our kids; in the laughter of the grandbabies; in the way we boil water, or fold a sheet, or love another human being; in all that is the world around us. Our departed loved ones no longer toil through life, but we can still see them when the sun glistens just right off the lake at sunset; we still hear them, when we really try, in the rustle of the trees; we still feel the flutter of their kiss on our cheek in the afternoon breeze.

The trucks still rumble throughout the night, but for those who believe in an afterlife, they can believe the trucks are delivering our friends and family to a happier, safer, healthier place. In time, we may find peace in that.

Take care of yourself, especially now, because it also helps soothe the jangled spirit. Call if you feel like talking.

John

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