Watching a Mother Die

These are messages I sent while watching one of my mothers die in May, 1995. Also included are the funeral services, some of which I scripted. I've not had time to format this for HTML, so it's in pretty raw format. Words, mere words, as always, but it's good to remember, even the sad times.
26 Apr 95   00:26:17 EDT

To: Rockwell Folks

Here I am, well after midnight, hooked up to CompuServe and testing the
internet e-mail connection.  Rather than send this to everyone, I ask you
to forward this to the interested parties, namely George, Paul, Sheila,
Sudhir, and others whose names escape me.

My mom is not doing very well at all.  I'm really glad I came here
even though it's very sad to see her in such bad shape.  She has a very
tough time breathing and of course the radiation is wiping out her
strength.  I may have to stay a few extra days, but I'll keep you posted.

I'm going to send this message before getting into too much more detail.
I'll forward a v-mail message to you in a little while too which will
include my phone number just in case you need to desperately reach me.

I'm beginning to renew my acquaintance with desperation.

See you in Crawleyfornia whenever I can flee this muggy buggy yucchy place.

John

Subject: Willie, Mon, 1 May 1995   10:48 PM

It's almost 2 AM and Randy and Karen will be arriving from Virginia
shortly.  They said not to wait up for them, but the "Good Earth Good
Night" tea hasn't started me nodding yet (am I still on California
time?) so I want to key this stuff in.  I'm not pushing to meet my 10
PM self-imposed deadline since Jim is in Washington and Randy and
Karen are on the highway.  They plan to stay at least a week.

Pat the nurse said that Willie had a more restful night last night,
but she's still tired.  Pat also voiced the possibility that there may
congestive heart failure in the works, though Willie's vital signs are
all strong.  Therapist Jim said she's still not sounding very good:
she's "really junked up" in her lungs.  X-rays were taken in the
morning but we still had heard no results or analysis by 5:00 PM.

Today Willie's brother Maury, his wife Kay, and her son John all came
to visit.  Once again we were chased out in fairly short order despite
Willie's delight in seeing them.  George McGhin called again this
afternoon to see how she's doing, and asked me to tell her that he's
looking forward to her coming back to the islands for a visit.

Her breathing still sounds terrible, a moist rattle like something
from a bad science fiction film.  However, her face seems less flushed
than yesterday.

I returned to the hospital around 3:30.  I noticed she'd asked for a
cup of tea, and I think had taken a few sips.  Up to this time she
hasn't wanted anything but water.  Willie was sleeping, then seemed to
wake up a little.  She complained of back pain, also saying "Don't do
that, don't do that."  I asked her if she wanted a nurse and she said
yes.  When the nurse arrived, I told her that I wasn't sure if Willie
was talking in her sleep or not, but she was complaining of back pain.
The nurse asked "What do you need?" to which my mom replied "I need a
baby carriage."  When asked why, she said "To carry my baby in."  At
this point I'm certain that the medications were talking and not my
mom.  I discovered I could tell when she was really awake by whether
she squeezed my hand or just held it.  Randy thought the baby carriage
remark was a spin off of some mental gyration about her number one
son's (Randy's) impending arrival.

Later on, between medication and a breathing treatment (and while she
was awake) she told me "I want to go home."  I told her that we all
want her home too and we're all looking forward to her getting well
soon.  I told her about some general stuff about the house and told
her I was cleaning up the place for my brother's visit.  She told me
to be sure to take out the trash.  As clean and tidy as my mom is, I
could tell this was really her talking!

Willie fell asleep before completing her breathing treatments.  Since
the latter is done with an oxygen mask, she was still able to take in
all the medicine, awake or otherwise, so I left her to her slumbers.
I'm sure Randy will want to visit tomorrow morning, so we'll see how
things go then.  As always, we count on and appreciate your support.

John Patrick

3 May 95 1:24 PM

Yesterday morning at about 5:30 AM, we received a phone call saying
the family should come down to the hospital.  Randy and Karen had
arrived about 2 hours before, so we all loaded up and got there within
the hour.  Willie had asked for the family and had stated "I'll be
going soon," according to the nurse.

My brother Jim was in Washington D.C.  We reached his wife Becky and
she called him.  Their day was stuck in travel as Jim first had to fly
into Orlando, then drive the company truck up to Gainseville, then
turn around and drive down to Melbourne.  They arrived at 9:56 PM.
Willie was awake and happy to see all her sons again.  I expected her
to be gone by 3:00 AM this morning, so we all stayed at the hospital
and took turns being with her.

She continued to receive and relay messages from other family members.
Donna thanked Willie for how she took care of John all those years,
and for being a fun and wonderful person.  Donna's longtime friend Fay
said how he cared and thought of her and he'd hoped she was
comfortable.  Jennifer wanted to make sure Willie knew that she,
Bruce, and her three sons all hoped for the best and that they all
loved her very much.  I made sure Willie was alert when these messages
were relayed.  She'd smile and say "thank you" or "that's nice" or "I
thought Fay's been wonderful to Donna for a long time."

Our mom's a tenacious fighter and she held on through the night.
Shortly after dawn we realized that sleep (for us) tugged too strongly
for us to continue to stay.  Randy, Karen and I came back to the house
for a few intermittent hours of shut-eye, while Becky and Jim, who'd
slept a wee bit more while at the hospital, stood the morning watch.
Willie's sister Madeleine should be on watch too by now.

It's 1:00 PM, and the three of us are returning to the hospital
shortly to spell the others.  I know my mom's ready to go, and I think
the Arbors staff thinks so too.  They've been very polite, efficient,
and courteous, and they're doing all they can to make Willie
comfortable in her last hours.

I've got to get going now.  More as it happens.

J. P.

4 May 95 1:43 PM

Yesterday afternoon we finally met the doctor.  (Well, actually Jim
and Becky and Madeleine have met him before.)  He recommended that we
transfer Willie to an intensive care unit at the hospital.  The Arbors
is not actually a hospital, though I call it that.  It's a
"Specialized Subacute Unit" or "SSU."  (Did they learn the alphabet
soup game from aerospace?)  Anyway, he said she'd be more comfortable
there as it would help her breathe easier with the extra plumbing they
could install.  My mom is quite clear that she wants no extraordinary
measures taken to prolong her existence.  She's got a living will and
a "Do Not Resuscitate" document on file so that when she goes, she
goes.  We asked the doc how much extra time the transfer would give
her and he said maybe a month.  I asked Willie what she thought and
she said "If it's only temporary, let's get it over with."  My
siblings and I were in unanimous agreement that she'd actually be more
comfortable--emotionally--where she is.  My mom's biggest gripe about
medical care is the loss of dignity.  She gets better, more
compassionate, more dignified care (though it's maybe not as high-
tech) where she is now, so we told the doc that we're not questioning
his recommendation, but we feel it's her wish to stay put.  When we
told Willie what we'd told him, she said "Good."

Last night my sister Natasha called.  (Sister?  Why haven't I
mentioned her before?  You've got to understand my convoluted family--
she's legally now my niece, since she's the daughter of my natural mom
Donna, who is now my sister because I was adopted by grandparents
Willie and John.  Oh, never mind.)  She'd just learned about Willie's
illness and passed on her love.  She told me she was back in school
and getting straight A's and getting her life in order after being
"screwed up for all these years."  She observed that our family isn't
very close and that it's hard for us to express emotion, but that she
wants Willie to know she loves her and she wishes Willie could see
Natasha graduate with a 4.0 grade point average.

'Tasha also said that Gretchen's work will be appearing in the Genesis
art gallery next week.  When she learned all the stuff happening there
with Natasha and Gretchen, Willie said "That's good news."

Another close night has passed, with each of us watching her for
several hours in rotation.  I volunteered for the 2 - 6 watch since
I'm a late night person anyway.  Willie rested quietly much of the
night, but there were a couple of anxious moments.  Around 3:30 this
morning, after being repositioned on the bed, she suddenly sat up,
threw off her gown, and tried to climb out of bed.  I called the
nurse, who helped her to lie down again, asking "Where are you going?"
to which my mom replied only "I've got to go, I've got to go now."
When asked again where she wanted to go, she said "I don't know."

A couple of hours later her breathing seemed to stop completely and
she started twitching quite a bit.  I'd been watching and counting the
intervals between breaths, so I gave her a few extra seconds before
ringing for the nurse.  About the time the nurse arrived Willie kicked
into gear again, first with some shallow breaths, then a couple of
deeper gulps before returning to her rhythm of around 16-18 breaths
per minute.

The rest of the family is back at the hospital now, but I've used up
all my clothes so I've got a load in the dryer.  I'm heading back
shortly.  More as it happens.

John

5 May 95 8:45 AM

Last night was another close call, but Willie's tenacity hasn't failed
her yet.  She called for the three of us around 1:30 AM, writing us a
note saying she had "three wonderful sons" and asking each of us to
kiss her.  Her breathing keeps getting more labored and gurgly, though
it's hard to imagine how it could get worse than it already is.
However, she's still hanging tough and has all her wits about her.

I've written a eulogy for her that I hope will make her proud.
Originally we were all agreed that she would like to hear it before
she goes, but now we're not sure she's strong enough nor can stay
awake long enough, so we haven't broached the idea to her yet.  I know
I'd like to hear mine before _I_ go, but each person is different.  We
thought she might like to hear it because it reaffirms our love for
her and pride in her.

There's not much more to report at the moment, so I'll keep this one
short.  I really feel like she's ready to go, and wants to go, but she
hasn't quite figured out how to let go yet.  She finally went to sleep
around 3:30 and was still sleeping when I left at 8:15 this morning.
We'll continue to be at her bedside around the clock to do whatever we
can for her and for each other.  Thanks for your continued wishes,
hopes, prayers, and concern.

John

5 May 95  8:00 PM

Our mom Willie passed away around 4:30 this afternoon.  Arrangements
for services, both in Florida and in Hawaii, are pending.

John
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